I have been here before. So. Many. Times.
Beginnings for me have been both a source of delight and a source of dismay. I make the decision to start something new and I'm filled with intense excitement and wonder and crippling fear and anxiety.
All within a matter of seconds.
I will either grab onto the excitement or the fear. Today I'm grabbing onto both. I'm letting the excitement and wonder guide me while I let the fear and anxiety come along for the ride. I guess the difference this time is that the excitement and wonder are driving.
Will they stay in the driver's seat?
The answer to that question is not for me to know right now. All I know is that I have come to a point in my life where changes need to happen. I have been hiding away the person that I could be for decades. I tend to do things the easy way. The safe way. Not challenging myself to step out of comfort zones and habits.
Being Who I Might Have Been
“It's never to late to be who you might have been.” ~George Eliot
This quote has been my mantra for a few years now. So many times I forget these words. I forget who I might have been. I have put off who I might be for any number of reasons.
I'll wait until my kids don't need me as much.
I'll wait until I lose weight.
I'll wait until my depression and anxiety are manageable.
I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait....
Here's what I know now.
All my kids really need me to do is live a life that leaves me feeling whole.
The size of my body has absolutely nothing to do with my ability to live an authentic, fulfilled life.
My depression and anxiety are an extension of the person that I may be and I can not be ashamed of that.
The person I might have been is showing up and she has a lot of work to do. She has quite a few battles to fight. The last few months have shown me that the things that used to be my normal life are gone. I don't want them back. Gone are the days of doing the things that used to drain me. Physically, mentally and spiritually.
All I can do is go forward now and leave the waiting behind. Going forward is the only way to being who I might have been.
Embracing My Voice
I can be a very introspective person and I can be a very outspoken person. I have always been very guarded on who I am outspoken with. That is changing. I am seeing that if I want to really embrace my voice, I have to stop stifling myself. I have to reach out of my comfort zone and bring my passion out into the world. I have to say things that might make other people uncomfortable or even angry. I may also have to say things that might make people feel heard and accepted, too.
I don't want to start yelling at people. Well, maybe sometimes I want to yell at people. Honestly, the past couple of months, I have wanted to yell at a LOT of people.
Embracing my voice isn't about yelling, though. It's about warmly allowing myself to be heard by more than just myself. It is allowing myself to know that what I have to contribute to the world is meaningful and has purpose. I know that nobody has to really care about what I have to say. I'm just a 50 something woman who has decided to start living a different life. One that is not the one that she has been living. I know that what I'm doing really doesn't need to matter to anyone but me. Embracing my voice isn't about trying to convince anyone that what I'm saying is important. Embracing my voice is about allowing myself to be liberated from a life of conformity and silence.
If what I have to say resonates with other women, then I welcome them into the conversation. I welcome them into the act of liberation that I am beginning for myself. I can probably do this alone, but I prefer to do this with others.
I Have Been Here Before
“Beginning again. After you do it so many times, it starts to feel like its an impossible task."
How many beginnings does one person get? As many as it takes. We can only ever begin at our own beginning. I have had so many beginnings and each one has led me to some form of growth. With each new beginning, however, I have felt like what I was trying to do was never going to happen. That the task at hand was just too overwhelming.
So here I am again. Beginning again. This beginning can be my liberation or it can be my confinement. I guess I just have to trust that I will find my voice and I will be able to complete this act of liberation that will guide me to the person that I might have been.